We were invited to iftar at my cousin's house tonight, and my father's long-time business associate and best friend was invited as well. As all my cousins, uncles and other members of the family sat together after eating, it was so painfully evident that there was an integral person missing from this gathering-my dad. Being there in spirit doesn't count... that's just bullshit talk for someone who's never lost anyone that means anything to them.

I can imagine that it's difficult for a lot of people to come to our house because Dad is gone, but we live and face this bitter fact every single day. Our house is strange without him, but we have him in us-so in essence he's still here.

It's hard to look at pictures of Dad these days. I still have trouble comprehending that he's gone... it just feels totally wrong-like something is off balance-it just doesn't sit right. It's coming up to a year now since he died, and there isn't an hour that passes where he doesn't pop into my head at least 10 times. Sometimes I can feel his presence and I'm certain he's around, but this phenomenon is less frequent since he came to me in a dream a while back and told me that he came to say goodbye, and that he was moving to the farm. I miss seeing him in my dreams now...Too bad we can't dream 'on demand'!

Life feels disconnected somehow. Not that Dad kept it together, but something essential is missing. Not just for me, but for most everyone that knew him. I sometimes feel lost like I'm drifting on the open sea, going nowhere in particular. There are still many conversations I wanted to have with him and I feel like a crazy person when I speak to him out loud, instead of using my 'inside voice'... I'm pretty sure he can't hear regardless of which voice I use. I guess being a crazy person at this stage is my only remedy.