We were invited to iftar at my cousin's house tonight, and my father's long-time business associate and best friend was invited as well. As all my cousins, uncles and other members of the family sat together after eating, it was so painfully evident that there was an integral person missing from this gathering-my dad. Being there in spirit doesn't count... that's just bullshit talk for someone who's never lost anyone that means anything to them.

I can imagine that it's difficult for a lot of people to come to our house because Dad is gone, but we live and face this bitter fact every single day. Our house is strange without him, but we have him in us-so in essence he's still here.

It's hard to look at pictures of Dad these days. I still have trouble comprehending that he's gone... it just feels totally wrong-like something is off balance-it just doesn't sit right. It's coming up to a year now since he died, and there isn't an hour that passes where he doesn't pop into my head at least 10 times. Sometimes I can feel his presence and I'm certain he's around, but this phenomenon is less frequent since he came to me in a dream a while back and told me that he came to say goodbye, and that he was moving to the farm. I miss seeing him in my dreams now...Too bad we can't dream 'on demand'!

Life feels disconnected somehow. Not that Dad kept it together, but something essential is missing. Not just for me, but for most everyone that knew him. I sometimes feel lost like I'm drifting on the open sea, going nowhere in particular. There are still many conversations I wanted to have with him and I feel like a crazy person when I speak to him out loud, instead of using my 'inside voice'... I'm pretty sure he can't hear regardless of which voice I use. I guess being a crazy person at this stage is my only remedy.

The Annab Zoo!

Morning cuddle with Tee Tee as a puppy

My dad loved animals. I think there was something magical about animals as far as my dad was concerned. We used to have chickens, geese and rabbits in the back yard when we were kids-and we weren't living in the country, we lived on the outskirts of the city. Nowadays, the animal population at home has become slightly more civilized, with around 30 canary birds, and until recently, 3 dogs and a cat. On our farm in the country dad took to raising horses, sheep, pigeons, chickens, turkeys... you name it, we had! You'd think that having four wild kids would satisfy the urge to raise animals, right?! He put old McDonald to shame...

A few months before he passed away, I rescued the cutest kitten with the biggest blue eyes. This was the only cat that my father actually allowed to enter the house, let alone sleep above his head while he watched TV. Baba even took the time to give him milk in the morning, and would heat it up to get it just right. I think he was secretly pleased when I decided not to give up the kitten to the animal shelter. He always remarked how cute this cat was. So cute, in fact, that Baba actually bestowed the name of Qahir al Kilab (the dog tamer) on him because Qahir was able to stand up to three dogs, albeit one who looks a lot like a cat. Qahir went missing a couple of weeks ago. I have high hopes that he will return one day. I'm sure my father would have been very upset about losing him...

Qahir sleeping on the top of the chair, above Dad's head

Which brings me to another story about one of our pets... ChiChi our Chihuahua-Fox Terrier mix. A couple of years ago in the Summer ChiChi (also an escape artist) decided to skip the Annab compound in search of greener pastures (stupid dog didn't know that it was as green as it got at our place!!). Baba was certain that ChiChi was gone for good. He was so upset about losing her, that he didn't sleep at all the night she disappeared. Lo and behold, two weeks later, ChiChi's pictures were posted on Facebook with a 'for sale' note next to them. Baba was over the moon when he found out she was still alive and barking!! So, he gave us JD50 to give her captor for his trouble when we went to rescue her. The guy who had her was kind enough to hand her over without a fuss, and we got to keep our JD 50! Needless to say, Baba was thrilled to have his little lap warmer back by his side.

ChiChi taking an afternoon siesta in the sun

ChiChi can be quite irritating with her barking especially when the doorbell rings. She is so irritating, that my dad wanted to strangle her every time she barked. So, one day he decided to get her to quit her barking, he was going to swat her with a newspaper every time if she barked when the bell rang. So, to get her to bark he had to ring the door bell. It was the funniest thing to watch Baba ringing the doorbell, and ChiChi going nuts while he tried to grab her to swat her with the paper! What a comedic scene!!

Shadow (L) TeeTee (R)

We recently had to put our beloved dog Shadow to sleep. She was a lovely dog who was frightening to look at but a real gem on the inside. I hope she's keeping my dad company wherever they are!