Lessons in Life

Baba around 16 years old. This picture was taken in Damascus

The past couple of days have been so difficult... I think it's finally hit me that he's really gone. Gone from this world, and maybe somewhere else. Telling myself that he's on a trip isn't cutting it anymore, because the abyss of emptiness left behind is just too vast.

I'm wondering when I will stop crying and feeling sad. I want to feel whole again, and no matter how many people tell me they love me, (which I truly appreciate) their love is not a replacement for what I had with my dad. What I feel is beyond missing--it's more profound--it's an empty aching that just won't go away. And sadly, no amount of pictures of my dad, or places where he went or things that he's done or the books that he's read will bring him back; they just help to keep his memory fresh in my mind. I'm not having moments of weakness, but these are the steps I need to take to come to terms with the fact that my father's beautiful soul is pleasing some one else right now. I hope they know how precious he is and how deeply he touched our lives.

I got a condolence message from a friend, and she said that we mustn't be certain that there will always be a tomorrow. Maybe that is part of a lesson that I need to learn from all of this.

James Blunt's Carry You Home put it really nicely:
As strong as you were
Tender you'll go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
And when it is quiet
I know what it means and I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home...